The original JLo.
She speaks to the dead, works at a Happy Ending Massage to feed her family, dates Jamie Kennedy, knows what you did last summer and most famously puts on her makeup in music class which leads to a verbal smackdown courtesy of Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2.
Despite her long career of mediocrity and relativley harmless media soundbytes, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s legacy lies in the gift that keeps on giving: her music career.
Would you be surprised to know that she has released 4 albums? 4.
My favorite? The aptly titled “Let’s Go Bang”.
Now our beloved Jlove had not yet turned 18 and certainly hadn’t begun her illustrious career of starring in Enrique Iglesias videos.
So one would have to say that a song called “Let’s go Bang” seems a bit pornographic. Let’s go to the lyrics.
“Let’s Go Bang”
Unspoken words
You know just what to do
The rhythm moves like
Second nature to you
So primitive, it fits you like a glove
Instinctive as to make love
Let’s go
Before the groove hits
The move you want it to
And Uncle Funk wants
It over tonight
So, just dance along to
Wherever they take you tonight
You just bang it all up and out
Bang it all on time
Let the beat, let the beat be your lover
Free your mind, let the beat take you over
Throw all inhibitions up into the wind
[Chorus:]
Let’s go bang
I wanna go bang
Let’s go bang
I wanna go bang
Let’s go bang
I wanna go bang
Let’s go bang
I wanna…..
Well, if you move to the groove
The way I do
There’s nothing else in the world
That compares
And if you dance to release the part of you
That keeps telling you to be free
Let it take you there
Let the beat, let the beat be your lover
Free your mind, let the beat take you over
A groove premonition your feet can’t ignore
[Chorus]
Oh in the air tonight
There’s breathing in the wind
Oh in the air tonight
The beat is; it’s going on
It’s going on, it goes:
Let the beat, let the beat be your lover
Free your mind, let the beat take you over
A groove premonition your feet can’t ignore
[Chorus]
Yep. That’s disgusting.
Sorry Jlove, anyway you swing it, even if you were too young to know the implications of the lyrics, someone on your team should have said something. I mean you’re saying things like “bang it all the time” and “so primitive, it fits you like a glove”, like a glove, you mean a condom? Let’s go bang.
But nothing could possibly be worse than her smash hit (in her family’s eyes at least) Barenaked.
And it’s bad. Like offensivley bad. It’s as if someone too all the worst parts of Mandy Moore, Jlo and vintage Baby One More Time Britney Spears and rolled it down a big hill of awful. It’s so offensive in its genericness. I would sooner take any Rebecca Black “Friday” over this, because there is no pleasure, ironic or otherwise, to be had from experiencing “Barenaked”.
To Jennifer:
I know that you have heaving breasts. I know that you just want to find a man and settle down. I know that you love talking about sticking jewels onto your vagina. I know that you whisper and occaisionally speak to ghosts on television, but please, for the sake of this nation, enough of the music.
At least Amy Jo Johnson, the Pink Ranger, had enough sense to stop this nonsense years ago:
I mean talk about some knockoff Lillith Fair nonsense….
