reasons to be a controversial human being.


Music Nightmare Copycats – Round 1

The new game in music used to be the sample. Artists like the Black Eyed Peas are still doing it more than ever, but the rest of the music industry seems to have moved on. This series will explore the newest trend in music: the steal. I’m sorry music industry, that in the 90s, we were stealing music from Napster, but how do you explain your own artists straight up ripping each other off and never saying a word about it.

And I’m not talking about the genius of Girl Talk’s sampling mania.
Without further ado:

Round 1: Jennifer Lopez (Jenny from the Block, JlO) versus Edward Maya

And in the Red Corner: On the Floor


I mean aside from every lyric being either “dance the night away” or “on the floor”, the song could definitley be more offensive to the auditory senses than it actually is.
That being said, the song truly does personify the last, jarring death rattles of a 40-year-old aging celebrity who is desperately trying to compete with girls half her age who were mere blips on the human life radar when JLo peaked in the early 2000s.

I can just imagine Jlo walking into the studio wondering if Pitbull was a person or a really talented dog ( I mean with autotune these days you never know).

And in the Blue Corner: Stereo Love

Who knew that an entire song could be built around a kickin’ accordian solo? The funny thing about “Stereo Love” is that it’s taken so long to achieve radioplay in the states. This song has been making its way around Europe for years and Edward Maya has been in a bitter battle for, guess what? Plagarism. He is being sued by a man that claims he ripped said kickin’ according solo from one of his songs from back in the day. Edward Maya says hell yeah I did, and it’s my right. We’re all artists aren’t we? Stereo Love is just a small bit of techno nonsense. Without the accordian solo at the beginning, its nothing more than a jarbled mess of synth and autotune. It’s frankly so forgettable, that Edward Maya has recorded it with two different women and no one seemed to notice or care.

K.O.: Edward Maya
I’m so sorry Jenny from the Block, but I have to give this one to Stereo Love. Despite both songs being complete clubrat tomfoolery, Edward Maya at least did it first. And it doesn’t seem as desperate as your attempts at last-ditch hip-hop relevancy. Just be glad those American Idol checks are clearing because your music career is no longer something that you can take to the bank, or back to the block.


Tuesday’s Pissed Off at the World Playlist

It’s not a box of chocolates,
its a bag of lemons.
But like poison lemons. That are on fire. That steal your money and hurt you.
So I offer you this playlist to help ease the suffering of a cruel, cruel world.

“In the End” — Linkin Park

“Assassin” — Muse

“Youth of the Nation” — P.O.D.

“Last Resort” — Papa Roach

“Fake it” — Seether

“Born for this” — Paramore

“Family Portrait” — P!nk

“What I’ve Done” — Linkin Park

“Miss Murder” — AFI

“I Will Not Bow” — Breaking Benjamin

You’re not welcome.

This Week in Music Nightmares: Natasha Bedingfield

She threw some chords together, combination D, E, A and the rest was still unwritten. In terms of vapid and empty pop nothingness, the only person who could possibly reach the staggeringly high bar that Katy Perry has set, is English-blonde Natasha Bedingfield. And today, I pay tribute to some of the worst music created in the 21st century.

For example, have you ever reached into your pocket and found, not change, not a gum wrapper, metrocard, but a pocket full of sunshine? She has:

It’s hard for me not to just simply type ‘idiot’ over and over again and call it a day. I guess you could forgive tarty and empty pop jingles from an English import if there was some chance that they would go away.
T.A.T.U — Gone.
AQUA — Gone.
Spice Girls — Gone.

But thanks to a little show called the Hills, we were treated to Natasha Bedingfield every time an ad for the show ran, the opening or closing credits rolled or we frankly, turned on MTV.

And now for four years Miss Bedingfield has received a royalty check from MTV every single time the Hills airs. This only serves to encourage her to make more music. I mean when you have a collaboration with Nick Lachey on your first album, where do you go from there?

Well, she goes here. The song is called “Touch”, and it just might be the most ridiculous song to have ever been recorded. I would sooner listen to Paris Hilton’s “Stars are Blind” on constant loop than to try to wrap my brain around the message of this song. See for yourself:

I was tryin’ to cross the street
When I tripped and spilled my coffee
On a man who yelled at me
And then walked off in a hurry

Now he’s gonna be late for work
So he called his secretary
Said to cancel his appointment with the guy in the lobby

Who’s been waiting for a while
And talking on the phone
Got invited to a party and thought he couldn’t go

But he’s here right now
Standing in my house
And someone turns the music loud

So we dance
And we laugh
And we touch (touch touch)

Yeah we dance
And we laugh
And we touch (touch touch)

Gonna party all night till the sun comes up
Cuz it feels like the world disappears around us

When we dance
When we laugh
When we touch

I was planning out my party
Running errands ’round the city
Grocery bags full of alcohol
And chocolate chip cookies

Saw a dress that was amazing
In the window of a boutique
So I went across the street
Then my heel broke and it threw me

I tried to catch my balance
But I was ‘sposed to fall
It seems that spilling coffee
Was no accident at all

Cuz you’re here right now
Sitting on my couch
Funny how it all works out

When we dance
And we laugh
And we touch (touch touch)

Yeah we dance
And we laugh
And we touch (touch touch)

Gonna party all night till the sun comes up
Cuz it feels like the world disappears around us

When we dance
When we laugh
When we touch

Every choice we make
And every road we take
Every interaction
Starts a chain reaction
We’re not affected when we least expect it
And then when we touched
And it all connected

Every choice we make
And every road we take
Every interaction
Starts a chain reaction
We’re not affected when we least expect it
And then when we touched
And it all connected

When we dance
And we laugh
And we touch (touch touch)

Yeah we dance
And we laugh
And we touch (touch touch)

Gonna party all night till the sun comes up
Cuz it feels like the world dissapears around us

When we dance
When we laugh
When we touch

Ooo oo oo ooo
We touch

Ooo oo oo ooo
We touch

Ooo oo oo ooo
We touch

Ooo oo oo ooo
We touch

So to sum this up, these are the things that Natasha Bedingfield did today:
-Tried to cross the street
-Spilled her coffee on a man
-Was trying to have a party
-Bought chocolate chip cookies and alcohol
-She saw a dress in a boutique window, and in some kind of shopping fury, tripped and broke her heel.
-Danced, laughed, touched.

That’s fine Nat. I’m all for a story song. But do you really mean to tell me that you spilled your coffee on a man who had to cancel his entire day of meetings because he was wet. And that its some kind of cosmic coincidence that the man of your dreams was waiting at the coffee guy’s office only to have his meeting canceled. And because his meeting was canceled, he could come to your party and sit on your couch and then you two could laugh, dance, touch? Does that sound about right? It’s like the movie “Memento”, but more complicated.

A few things. What time was your party? Because if that man was having a day-meeting, why couldn’t he come to your party later in the first place? That makes no sense. And also, just booze and cookies? No chips? OJ? Dip? Is there some kind of English rule where Londoners party with cookies and vodka but only in the middle of the day when people have meetings?

All I’m saying, loyal readers, is that I am concerned that this woman continues to make music. I am concerned for me, you, Mother England, and any future generations that have access to DVD copies of The Hills.

Tuesday’s Geographic Playlist

Much like Carmen Sandiego, I have been fortunate enough to find myself on a number of small trips recently around the country.
I got back from Los Angeles last night and I can say that without a doubt there is one thing stuck in my head from the trip: the Katy Perry Song, “California Gurls”. Having been harshly introduced to Los Angeles traffic (via a two hour trip to Santa Monica) and my gracious host/driver not having iPod Vehicle compatibility (a damn crying shame), the LA Radio Stations owned and operated by Ryan Seacrest became the soundtrack to the trip.

And when the radio wasn’t playing “Airplanes” or “Alejandro”, it was “California Gurls”. Because get it, we were in California. And there were “gurls” there. And as if Katy Perry isn’t annoying enough, she had a bit of trouble spelling ‘girls’ in the title. But that’s okay. You can only expect so much from a woman who thinks that a shoe is a phone.

Tuesday’s Storytelling Playlist

When I was little I used to have a doctor that we all called Dr. Mike. What was most wonderful about Dr. Mike is that he would sing and play the guitar as well. He told silly stories set to song which made going to the doctors office, which was unbearable, bearable. I used to think it was so amazing that I had my very own doctor that was also famous (well famous for when you are six).

This Week in Music Video Nightmares — “Spectacular”

The Cheetah Girls stand for modern-day Disney Channel Original Programming Girl Power. The Spice Girls without the sex, Destiny’s Child without, well the sex. Raven Simone and those three other chicks (the white one, the one that’s on Keeping up with Kardashians and the one from The House Bunny) fake-danced and lip-synced their way through two feature films making cat-references and Disney Channel Appropriate jokes. Raven, having left the group to be “that’s so”, essentially doomed the rest of her feline pack to obscurity.

And what does a young girl in Hollywood do to avoid looming obscurity? She tramps it up big time.
Enter Kiely Williams (the one from the House Bunny) and her song “Spectacular”.

A non-exhaustive list of things that Kiely Williams finds to be Spectacular:
— Dreadlocks
— Hooker Clothes
— Unprotected Blackout Sex
— Walking on the streets….or…streetwalking?
— Shots
— Artsy Black and White photos of said unprotected blackout sex
— Based on her decisions in this video: abortions
— Some sort of reality television prostitute-cam that she hooked up to herself
— Speak-singing
— Seducing men in suits on the street in front of their clean-cut not hooker girlfriends.
— Abortions
— Hanging out by chain-link fences
— Street Dancing in front of skanky billboards

Miss Williams decided to respond to the subsequent outrage to her music video that seemed to glorify unprotected sex with strangers, prostitution and getting blackout drunk to young girls.

An open letter to Kiely Williams:

Hey girl.
I think you’re confused.
Your video, ‘Spectacular’, is NOTHING like Mo’Nique’s performance in Precious.
It’s also nothing like Lady Gaga’s Telephone video.
You can try to tell me that this video is some warning message to young girls about the dangers of unprotected sex, but I went to college, so its not gonna fly. Maybe you’re confused about the definition of the word ‘spectacular’. I think that you think it means ‘warning’ or ‘career-booster’ or ‘I’m not a Whore’, but alas….

spec·tac·u·lar (spk-tky-lr)
Of the nature of a spectacle; impressive or sensational

So you’re to tell me that you sing about unprotected blackout sex being ‘impressive’ and ‘sensational’ and then I’m supposed to believe that it’s a warning song?

In our world we have commonly accepted warning signs. A stop sign for example says to me “don’t go”. Caution tape says, “stay away”. A music video where you get blackout drunk, sexed over and over again and then tell me that you would do it all over again and smile, does not read PSA. Sorry girl.
Yes, and I see your point. You are playing a character. But when you play the character role of “monster slut”, your teenage fans might get a little confused being as your last role was “black cheetah girl who isn’t Raven Simone”.
Love the choreography girl, is that Wade Robson?
You’re my hero,


Tuesday’s Start of Summer BBQ Playlist

Summer has begun.
Those pesky youth have gotten out of school and will be planning an epic summer filled with house parties, minimum-wage food service jobs, sitting around pools and discovering out all the magical uses of the backseat of a friend’s car. (Well there really is only one)
The rest of us are simply going to work as usual, everything a little more humid, the office just a little more oppressive than the day before. But we must power through our workday blues and summertime woes so that we can have our weekends. Glorious weekends great for rooftop parties, backyard cookouts and slip ‘n’ slides.
And we gotta have something to listen to while we do it.

“Pump It” — The Black Eyed Peas

“Kansas City” — Damien Jurado

“American Boy” — Estelle

“Timor” — Shakira

“Jack and Diane” — John Cougar Mellencamp

“We Run This” — Missy Elliott

“Danger! High Voltage” — Electric Six

“Dead Wrong” — The Deuce Project

“Sam’s Town” — The Killers

“I Live for the Day” — Lindsay Lohan