reasons to be a controversial human being.

Posts tagged “Music

A Critical Analysis of P!nks’s “Family Portrait”

My favorite tidbit about Alecia Moore, nee P!nk, now Pink, is from her E! True Hollywood Story that aired many years ago. ! says with all sincerity that when she was 8 years old, her house was a warzone, and if she was her mother, she would have kicked her out too. How anyone could leave little ! out on the street I cannot fathom, but taken in she was and now we as a society on the whole are paying for it.

There was a time in the early 2000s that ! decided to get really raw.  She paired with Four Non Blondes lead Linda Perry and spit out some truly deep 8-year-old ! jams.  Perry said this about working with !. “In the beginning I just said: ‘What do you feel?’, and she (!) would just sit behind the piano and sing.” Wow. Linda Perry bringing it home. And even though they are famously feuding now (due to Perry working with rival Christina “X-Tina” Aguilera on ‘Beautiful’) Perry and ! were able to create an album so full of high-school angst and sadness that it had no choice to go platinum. It’s like the whole thing took place under the bleachers of a run down high school in the Midwest (Go Tigers!).

Lyrics:

“Family Portrait”

Uh, uh, some deep shit, uh, uh

Momma please stop cryin, I can’t stand the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin’ me down
I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn’t mean those nasty things you
said

You fight about money, bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, you’ll see
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done
my family

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t
leave

Daddy please stop yellin, I can’t stand the sound

Make mama stop cryin, cuz I need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says
its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember I love
you, too

I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away
Don’t wanna go back to that place, but don’t have
no choice, no way
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, well I’ve seen
I don’t want love to destroy me like it did my
family

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t
leave

In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, let’s act like it comes
naturally
I don’t wanna have to split the holidays
I don’t want two addresses
I don’t want a step-brother anyways
And I don’t want my mom to have to change her
last name

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let’s go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, act like it goes naturally

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
We look pretty normal, let’s go back to that
(I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do
anything)
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
Let’s play pretend act and like it comes so
naturally
(I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t
leave)
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
We look pretty normal, let’s go back to that
(I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t
leave)

Daddy don’t leave
Daddy don’t leave
Daddy don’t leave
Turn around please
Remember that the night you left you took my
shining star?
Daddy don’t leave
Daddy don’t leave
Daddy don’t leave
Don’t leave us here alone

Mom will be nicer
I’ll be so much better, I’ll tell my brother
Oh, I won’t spill the milk at dinner
I’ll be so much better, I’ll do everything right
I’ll be your little girl forever
I’ll go to sleep at night

Conclusion:

Oh ! . You’ve been through some real deep shit haven’t you. Real deep shit. ! really does love equating her familial situation to wars. I highly doubt that ! ‘s childhood was anything like what WWIII will be like. Thankfully ! has given us some ways to help avoid what will most likely be a humanity-ending nuclear war.

Ways to Prevent WWIII by !:
– Go to sleep at night
– Don’t spill the milk at dinner
– Stay a little girl forever
– Make all moms be nicer

Listen, I know having two addresses might get confusing in an emergency. I know you’re going through some real deep shit. But honestly ! , this is silly. The lyrics are so confusing that it’s hard to tell who is at fault here. If mom is breaking too many glasses, if the kids are fighting too much, if Christina Aguilera is also at fault for her shitty childhood.

Let’s look at the video:

Wow. It’s like that little girl in the video is supposed to be you, !.  That’s some real deep shit. I think that this commenter on youtube can sum it up way better than I ever could:

“well, acctually no, she wouldn’t. she has told, that she was very young when she wrote the song and that these were the feeling she felt back then and that all the family drama made her who she is now, an artist.
And you wouldn’t call her stupid nor bitch, when your parents would fight ALL THE TIME and when you would be thorn in the middel of it all…it’s people like you, who make me feel that our society is stupid and, well doomed!”


A Critical Analysis of Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend”

Bieber-Fever. While his music career reaches it’s ripe old age, we are now as a nation witness to the infancy of his manhood. With Usher as his “swagger” coach, Biebs is trying to make that transition from tween superstar into Justin Timberlake. I mean in the pic above he has 3 buttons undone! And hey girl, look how confused he is about his love for you. You can tell by the way he runs his fingers through his hair. He undid those buttons for you, girl.

Unfortunately, he is no Justin Timberlake. His latest effort into reaching manhood is his new single “Boyfriend”. Produced by the ever-catchy Mike Posner, this song stands alone as one of the more idiotic tracks I’ve ever heard. From it’s strange progression to it’s odd lyrics, I don’t think that “boyfriend” is going to be the crossover hit into manhood that the Bieber team is expecting.

I usually direct the class to focus on the lyrics as we go through these critical analysis, but for this instance, I also would like you to listen to the backing track.

Listen for an abundance of this:

Now that you have the endless owl hooting in your head, let’s look at the lyrics.

“Boyfriend”
B If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go
I can take you places you ain’t never been before
Baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know
I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow
Swag swag swag, on you
Chillin by the fire why we eatin’ fondue
I dunno about me but I know about you
So say hello to falsetto in three two

[Pre-Chorus]
I’d like to be everything you want
Hey girl, let me talk to you

[Chorus]
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go

[Verse 2]
Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don’t
I could be your Buzz Lightyear fly across the globe
I don’t never wanna fight yeah, you already know
I am ‘ma a make you shine bright like you’re laying in the snow
Burr
Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend
You could be my girlfriend until the —- world ends
Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and
Voice goin crazy on this hook like a whirl wind
Swaggie

[Pre-Chorus]
I’d like to be everything you want
Hey girl, let me talk to you

[Chorus]
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go

[Bridge]
So give me a chance, ‘cause you’re all I need girl
Spend a week wit your boy I’ll be calling you my girlfriend
If I was your man, I’d never leave you girl
I just want to love you, and treat you right

[Chorus]
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, never let you go

Na na na, na na na, na na na
Ya girl
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey

If I was your boyfriend

Conclusion

Things that Justin Bieber is going to make you do:
-Chill by the fire and eat fondue
-Make you dance, do a spin and a twirl
-Make you shine bright while you’re lying in the snow, burr.

I’m going to completely avoid the Buzz Lightyear reference that he makes and really focus on the crux of the song. “Burr”.
He literally let’s us know the temperature of snow. Oh Justin. Thank you for your assistance. And “thank you” might not be the right word. Let’s try “burr”. So burr Justin. Burr.

It’s so hard to legitimize a song where the last 5 lines are na na na na na, ya girl, na na na na ey.
If you need me, I’ll be in the ICU holding the music industry’s hand as it takes its final breaths, chest heaving, lips chapped as it slowly slips away.

And if that image doesn’t do it for you, the music video is below:

Look at all that ear-biting and whispering. Oh girl, burr. Burr.
One has to love Justin Bieber, looking like a lesbian Bruno Mars, freak dancing next to a sports car.


A Critical Analysis of Katy Perry’s “Pearl”


Recently the good folks over at EMI Music decided that we as a nation have just not had enough of Katy Perry’s Cotton Candy music explosion. So much so that they have re-released her album with 5 new tracks and one song that is simply a deathclub gay nightmare remix of all of her songs smashed together in some kind of tinny audio day-terror. The CD, entitled “The Ultimate Confection”, yes you’re reading that right, takes us on a yet another amazing musical journey with the woman who has given us Whipped Cream Bras and Pyrotechnic nipples.

But the real gem from the woman who has gifted us with the shoephone, is the track “Pearl”. So without further ado I provide you with a critical analysis of the Katy Perry track, “Pearl”. Let’s begin, shall we?

“Pearl”

She is a pyramid
But with him she’s just a grain of sand
This love’s too strong like mice and men
Squeezing out the life that should be let in

She was a hurricane-cane-cane-cane
But now she’s just a gust of wind
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships
Was a force to be reckoned with

She could be a statue of liberty
She could be a Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark

Oh, she used to be a pearl…Ohh
Yeah, she used to rule the world…Ohh
Can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself
‘Cause she used to be a pearl

She was unstoppable
Moved fast just like an avalanche
But now she’s stuck deep in cement
Wishing that they’d never ever met

She could be a statue of liberty
She could be a Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark

Oh, she used to be a pearl…Ohh
Yeah, she used to rule the world…Ohh
Can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself
‘Cause she used to be a –

Do you know that there’s a way out,
there’s a way out
there’s a way out
there’s a way out

You don’t have to be held down,
be held down
be held down
be held down

‘Cause I used to be a shell
Yeah, I let him rule my world
my world, ohh, yeah

But I woke up and grew strong
And I can still go on
And no one can take my pearl

You don’t have to be shell, No
You’re the one that rules your world, ohh
You are strong and you’ll learn
that you can still go on

And you’ll always be a pearl

She is unstoppable

Conclusion
Oh boy.
Katy here has invented a fake persona. Wouldn’t be the first time, won’t be the last in terms of pop music.  But I’m willing to bet that at no point in the song “this girl” that’s she’s talking about is going to end up being her. Oh wait.

Let’s just track this with a list of things notkatyperrybutitreallyisgirl is:
– A statue of liberty (not the statue. just a statue)
– A hurricane cane cane cane
– A gust of wind
– A pyramid
– A thousand ships
– Joan of Ark

And most obviously a pearl. But all this vague and terrible metaphor aside, the real offense is the siege that Katy has brought down upon modern literature.
Might I direct you to the line:
“This love’s too strong like mice and men
Squeezing out the life that should be let in”

I truly hope this kind of literary call-out trend can continue. I can’t wait for the next JLo track that comes out that contains lines like:
“Shakin dat ass like you know it’s good,
Like Mrs. Dalloway inviting folks to her hood”

or

“Let me feel yo’ body, I know that it’s right,
That durrty ho Jane Eyre found out those attic secrets at night”

“Pearl” represents the worst kind of inspirational pop music. It’s the type of horror that occurs when a record label decides their artist needs to be more radio friendly. Maybe a PSA on Bullying, maybe the song “Pearl”. Katy Perry continually walks this line with inspirational tracks like “Firework”, encouraging us to be ourselves no matter what, while at the same time,her other songs like “Peacock” which I’m pretty sure is about getting raped by a magic black candy cane, tell us to slut it out big time.

It’s a shame there is no music video, but I can leave you with the link to the song.


This Week in Music Nightmares: Jennifer Love Hewitt

The original JLo.
She speaks to the dead, works at a Happy Ending Massage to feed her family, dates Jamie Kennedy, knows what you did last summer and most famously puts on her makeup in music class which leads to a verbal smackdown courtesy of Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2.

Despite her long career of mediocrity and relativley harmless media soundbytes, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s legacy lies in the gift that keeps on giving: her music career.

Would you be surprised to know that she has released 4 albums? 4.

My favorite? The aptly titled “Let’s Go Bang”.
Now our beloved Jlove had not yet turned 18 and certainly hadn’t begun her illustrious career of starring in Enrique Iglesias videos.

So one would have to say that a song called “Let’s go Bang” seems a bit pornographic. Let’s go to the lyrics.

“Let’s Go Bang”
Unspoken words
You know just what to do
The rhythm moves like
Second nature to you
So primitive, it fits you like a glove
Instinctive as to make love
Let’s go

Before the groove hits
The move you want it to
And Uncle Funk wants
It over tonight
So, just dance along to
Wherever they take you tonight
You just bang it all up and out
Bang it all on time

Let the beat, let the beat be your lover
Free your mind, let the beat take you over
Throw all inhibitions up into the wind

[Chorus:]
Let’s go bang
I wanna go bang
Let’s go bang
I wanna go bang
Let’s go bang
I wanna go bang
Let’s go bang
I wanna…..

Well, if you move to the groove
The way I do
There’s nothing else in the world
That compares
And if you dance to release the part of you
That keeps telling you to be free
Let it take you there

Let the beat, let the beat be your lover
Free your mind, let the beat take you over
A groove premonition your feet can’t ignore

[Chorus]

Oh in the air tonight
There’s breathing in the wind
Oh in the air tonight
The beat is; it’s going on
It’s going on, it goes:
Let the beat, let the beat be your lover
Free your mind, let the beat take you over
A groove premonition your feet can’t ignore

[Chorus]

Yep. That’s disgusting.
Sorry Jlove, anyway you swing it, even if you were too young to know the implications of the lyrics, someone on your team should have said something. I mean you’re saying things like “bang it all the time” and “so primitive, it fits you like a glove”, like a glove, you mean a condom? Let’s go bang.

But nothing could possibly be worse than her smash hit (in her family’s eyes at least) Barenaked.

And it’s bad. Like offensivley bad. It’s as if someone too all the worst parts of Mandy Moore, Jlo and vintage Baby One More Time Britney Spears and rolled it down a big hill of awful. It’s so offensive in its genericness. I would sooner take any Rebecca Black “Friday” over this, because there is no pleasure, ironic or otherwise, to be had from experiencing “Barenaked”.

To Jennifer:
I know that you have heaving breasts. I know that you just want to find a man and settle down. I know that you love talking about sticking jewels onto your vagina. I know that you whisper and occaisionally speak to ghosts on television, but please, for the sake of this nation, enough of the music.

At least Amy Jo Johnson, the Pink Ranger, had enough sense to stop this nonsense years ago:

I mean talk about some knockoff Lillith Fair nonsense….


Music Nightmare Copycats – Round 1

The new game in music used to be the sample. Artists like the Black Eyed Peas are still doing it more than ever, but the rest of the music industry seems to have moved on. This series will explore the newest trend in music: the steal. I’m sorry music industry, that in the 90s, we were stealing music from Napster, but how do you explain your own artists straight up ripping each other off and never saying a word about it.

And I’m not talking about the genius of Girl Talk’s sampling mania.
Without further ado:

Round 1: Jennifer Lopez (Jenny from the Block, JlO) versus Edward Maya


And in the Red Corner: On the Floor

 

I mean aside from every lyric being either “dance the night away” or “on the floor”, the song could definitley be more offensive to the auditory senses than it actually is.
That being said, the song truly does personify the last, jarring death rattles of a 40-year-old aging celebrity who is desperately trying to compete with girls half her age who were mere blips on the human life radar when JLo peaked in the early 2000s.

I can just imagine Jlo walking into the studio wondering if Pitbull was a person or a really talented dog ( I mean with autotune these days you never know).


And in the Blue Corner: Stereo Love

Who knew that an entire song could be built around a kickin’ accordian solo? The funny thing about “Stereo Love” is that it’s taken so long to achieve radioplay in the states. This song has been making its way around Europe for years and Edward Maya has been in a bitter battle for, guess what? Plagarism. He is being sued by a man that claims he ripped said kickin’ according solo from one of his songs from back in the day. Edward Maya says hell yeah I did, and it’s my right. We’re all artists aren’t we? Stereo Love is just a small bit of techno nonsense. Without the accordian solo at the beginning, its nothing more than a jarbled mess of synth and autotune. It’s frankly so forgettable, that Edward Maya has recorded it with two different women and no one seemed to notice or care.

K.O.: Edward Maya
I’m so sorry Jenny from the Block, but I have to give this one to Stereo Love. Despite both songs being complete clubrat tomfoolery, Edward Maya at least did it first. And it doesn’t seem as desperate as your attempts at last-ditch hip-hop relevancy. Just be glad those American Idol checks are clearing because your music career is no longer something that you can take to the bank, or back to the block.


A Critical Analysis of O-Town’s “Liquid Dreams”

In Catholic School, there was this magical year, I believe it was 6th or 7th grade, when we got to watch “the video”.
There was one for the boys, and one for the girls. And at the end, we received a goody bag filled with deodorant.
The girls, because they always get better stuff, got to watch a 45 minute video about pancake batter being ovaries and received deodorant, tampons and other hilarious lady products. The boys video was only 15 minutes and talked mostly about something I didn’t understand: nocturnal emissions. Having, at least to my knowledge, never had one, I could not understand why this was such a crucial part to our 6th grade 1950s-style puberty education.

Our video consisted mainly of a boy talking to his mother about why his bed was wet in the morning because only babies wet the bed. The rest of the video was the same boy (he had a lot of issues) wondering what is the best way to handle an erection in math class. The video’s advice was something along the lines of, excuse yourself to the bathroom, which, when you think about it, getting up and walking around in front of people is probably not the best way to handle that kind of “surprise”.

Puberty is a confusing time. And had I grown up post-making the band, I would have had a much easier go of it. No one has ever explained with more clarity and tact the phenomena of nocturnal emissions, more clearly than O-Town with their song, “Liquid Dreams”.

Let’s have a look:

Lyrics:

“Liquid Dreams”
Posters of love surrounding me, I’m lost in a world of fantasy
Every night she comes to me and gives me all the love I need

Now this hot girl, she’s not your average girl
She’s a morpharotic dream from a magazine
And she’s so fine designed to blow your mind
She’s a dominatrix supermodel beauty queen

I dream about a girl who’s a mix of Destiny’s Child
Just a little touch Madonna’s wild style
With Janet Jackson’s smile, throw in a body like Jennifer’s
You’ve got the star of my liquid dream

Angelina Jolie’s lips to kiss in the dark
Underneath Cindy C’s beauty mark
When it comes to the test well Tyra’s the best
And Salma Hayek brings the rest

Now this hot girl, she’s not your average girl
She’s a morpharotic dream from a magazine
And she’s so fine designed to blow your mind
She’s a dominatrix supermodel beauty queen

I dream about a girl who’s a mix of Destiny’s Child
Just a little touch Madonna’s wild style
With Janet Jackson’s smile, throw in a body like Jennifers’
You’ve got the star of my liquid dreams

Looks ain’t everything she’s got the sweetest personality
Like Halle B
My mama thinks I’m lazy, my friends all think I’m crazy
But in my mind, I leave the world behind every night I dream
Oh..

Liquid Dreams, my Liquid Dreams
Waterfalls and streams, these liquid dreams

I dream about a girl who’s a mix of Destiny’s Child
Just little touch of Madonna’s wild style
With Janet Jackson’s smile
Throw in a body like Jennifer’s
You’ve got the star of my liquid dreams
My liquid dreams
(repeat 3 times)

Conclusion:
Well that’s just disgusting. It really, really is. Essentially what Jacob, Eric, Ashley Parker Angel, Trevor and Dan (all names are real) are saying here is that instead of living in the real world, every night they go to bed and dream about what is under Cindy Crawford’s mole. And in the morning, waterfalls and streams. The laundry bill alone….

Moving past the obvious disgusting metaphor these boys are playing with here there are a whole host of other hilarious notes they touch on. The word “morpharotic” for instance. Meaning, I guess, to morph into something erotic. One also has to wonder what Madonna, Tyra, Selma Hayak, Halle B, Destiny’s Child and Jennifer think about this odd and moist tribute to their utter hotness and morpharotic ways.

And speaking of Jennifers in the early 00s, which one is it? C’mon now Orlando Town, you need to be more specific.

The possible candidates and odds that it’s their bodies who cause Dan and Ashley Parker Angel’s waterfalls and streams:

Jennifer Lopez:

Odds: Likely.
With all the talk of her luscious booty, managing to remain so “real” and “from the block” despite the rocks that she got, JLo seems to be a likely candidate for Orlando Town’s fantasies.

Jennifer Love Hewitt:

Odds: Probable
She knows what you did last summer and she sings about being “barenaked”. See also: her breasts. Jennifer Love just could be the girl of O-Town’s dreams. But by looking at the demographic of the other ladies in the song, I think that in this case, Jlo trumps Jlove.

Jennifer Garner

Odds: Possible
While Jennifer Garner’s body could do some pretty amazing morpharotic things in your dreams, I can’t buy that Orlando Town has enough to class to recognize all that she’s packing. They seem easily distracted. Especially Trevor. Or Dan.

Jennifer Paige

Odds: Not Great
Sorry Jennifer. The song “Crush” is great. But I don’t think butterfly clips in your hair are really gonna do it for the sophisticated gentlemen of Orlando. It’s hot down there, remember?

And as if this whole kit and caboodle doesn’t end. There’s a music video. And yes, there’s liquid.

Whoa.
I think these guys all have really promising gay porn careers ahead of them.
Looking past the unbelievably shotty choreography and strange white-boy dreadlocks (is that you Trevor? Or are you Eric?) the video consists of synchronized dancing around water-women who all sort of look like Alex Mack (of Secret World Fame). And they sort of look like sperm. A little. Okay a lot.

I also love how they could not book one of the 10 women they mention in their song for the video. Not one of them. Not even Janet Jackson’s smile. What a shame Orlando Town. What a shame.


Tuesday’s Pissed Off at the World Playlist

Life….sucks.
It’s not a box of chocolates,
its a bag of lemons.
But like poison lemons. That are on fire. That steal your money and hurt you.
So I offer you this playlist to help ease the suffering of a cruel, cruel world.

“In the End” — Linkin Park

“Assassin” — Muse

“Youth of the Nation” — P.O.D.

“Last Resort” — Papa Roach

“Fake it” — Seether

“Born for this” — Paramore

“Family Portrait” — P!nk

“What I’ve Done” — Linkin Park

“Miss Murder” — AFI

“I Will Not Bow” — Breaking Benjamin

You’re not welcome.