reasons to be a controversial human being.

Posts tagged “Music Video

A Critical Analysis of Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend”

Bieber-Fever. While his music career reaches it’s ripe old age, we are now as a nation witness to the infancy of his manhood. With Usher as his “swagger” coach, Biebs is trying to make that transition from tween superstar into Justin Timberlake. I mean in the pic above he has 3 buttons undone! And hey girl, look how confused he is about his love for you. You can tell by the way he runs his fingers through his hair. He undid those buttons for you, girl.

Unfortunately, he is no Justin Timberlake. His latest effort into reaching manhood is his new single “Boyfriend”. Produced by the ever-catchy Mike Posner, this song stands alone as one of the more idiotic tracks I’ve ever heard. From it’s strange progression to it’s odd lyrics, I don’t think that “boyfriend” is going to be the crossover hit into manhood that the Bieber team is expecting.

I usually direct the class to focus on the lyrics as we go through these critical analysis, but for this instance, I also would like you to listen to the backing track.

Listen for an abundance of this:

Now that you have the endless owl hooting in your head, let’s look at the lyrics.

“Boyfriend”
B If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go
I can take you places you ain’t never been before
Baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know
I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow
Swag swag swag, on you
Chillin by the fire why we eatin’ fondue
I dunno about me but I know about you
So say hello to falsetto in three two

[Pre-Chorus]
I’d like to be everything you want
Hey girl, let me talk to you

[Chorus]
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go

[Verse 2]
Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don’t
I could be your Buzz Lightyear fly across the globe
I don’t never wanna fight yeah, you already know
I am ‘ma a make you shine bright like you’re laying in the snow
Burr
Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend
You could be my girlfriend until the —- world ends
Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and
Voice goin crazy on this hook like a whirl wind
Swaggie

[Pre-Chorus]
I’d like to be everything you want
Hey girl, let me talk to you

[Chorus]
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go

[Bridge]
So give me a chance, ‘cause you’re all I need girl
Spend a week wit your boy I’ll be calling you my girlfriend
If I was your man, I’d never leave you girl
I just want to love you, and treat you right

[Chorus]
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, never let you go

Na na na, na na na, na na na
Ya girl
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey

If I was your boyfriend

Conclusion

Things that Justin Bieber is going to make you do:
-Chill by the fire and eat fondue
-Make you dance, do a spin and a twirl
-Make you shine bright while you’re lying in the snow, burr.

I’m going to completely avoid the Buzz Lightyear reference that he makes and really focus on the crux of the song. “Burr”.
He literally let’s us know the temperature of snow. Oh Justin. Thank you for your assistance. And “thank you” might not be the right word. Let’s try “burr”. So burr Justin. Burr.

It’s so hard to legitimize a song where the last 5 lines are na na na na na, ya girl, na na na na ey.
If you need me, I’ll be in the ICU holding the music industry’s hand as it takes its final breaths, chest heaving, lips chapped as it slowly slips away.

And if that image doesn’t do it for you, the music video is below:

Look at all that ear-biting and whispering. Oh girl, burr. Burr.
One has to love Justin Bieber, looking like a lesbian Bruno Mars, freak dancing next to a sports car.


A Critical Analysis of Christina Perri’s ‘Jar of Hearts’

I know that it has been awhile. But I’m back. So is Christina Perri. And this time, she’s bringing her jar of hearts.
Getting her start when a friend convinced a choreographer on So You Think You Can Dance? to use her song to help illustrate a sappy, modern dance filled with men breaking ladies’ hearts, Perri has quickly gone from waitress to a blip pop obscurity.

Let’s look at the dance:

Sappy. Modern. Dramatic. Perfect for a show like So You Think You Can Dance where the main objective is to make the audience cry in only a mere minute and a half.

But let’s get to the meat and potatoes of the song. The lyrics.

Lyrics

I know I can’t take one more step towards you,
Cause all that’s waiting is regret.
And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore,
You lost the love I loved the most.

I learned to live half alive,
And now you want me one more time.

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars?
Collecting your jar of hearts,
And tearing love apart.
You’re gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul.
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found.
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms.

I learned to live half alive,
And now you want me one more time.

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars?
Collecting your jar of hearts.
And tearing love apart.
You’re gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul.
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

And it took so long just to feel alright,
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes.
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises.
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back.

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars?
Collecting your jar of hearts,
And tearing love apart.
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul.
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all.

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars?
Collecting your jar of hearts.
And tearing love apart.
You’re gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul.
Don’t come back for me.
Don’t come back at all.

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Conclusion

Well Christina. For as much as the indie hipster population needs their own Britney Spears, I just don’t think you have the chops to fit the bill. I understand you have an awesome neck tattoo. I understand that your hair is both jet black and brown at the same time. I understand that you wear combat boots with pretty dresses. But I also understand that your lyrics are about as complex as a Taylor Swift song.

With lyrics straight out of the Evanescence greatest hits collection, “Jar of Hearts” doesn’t even try to hide the simplicity of its main metaphor, if you could call it that at all.

If you did one of those magnetic poetry poems on your refrigerator the only words available to you would be :
Ice, Soul, Cold, Scars, Tearing, Broke, Promises, Alive.
Groundbreaking concepts Christina. Absolutely groundbreaking.

Surely the video will add a much needed layer of depth to the situation. Surely.

Nope.
Good to see modern dancing still making a comeback on the Billboard Top 100
It’s sort of the equivalent of Avril Lavigne being the opposite of Britney Spears because she wears a tie and a beater. I’m not buying it. But despite all of the faults with the song, the artist and the overall package, “Jar of Hearts” hits ladies right in the soft parts. In that special place where they are genetically inclined to swoon at Zac Efron and attend Hanson concerts.

So Christina, I have a poem for you:

Broken promises alive, tearing at cold, ice scars. Who do you think you are?


A Critical Analysis of O-Town’s “Liquid Dreams”

In Catholic School, there was this magical year, I believe it was 6th or 7th grade, when we got to watch “the video”.
There was one for the boys, and one for the girls. And at the end, we received a goody bag filled with deodorant.
The girls, because they always get better stuff, got to watch a 45 minute video about pancake batter being ovaries and received deodorant, tampons and other hilarious lady products. The boys video was only 15 minutes and talked mostly about something I didn’t understand: nocturnal emissions. Having, at least to my knowledge, never had one, I could not understand why this was such a crucial part to our 6th grade 1950s-style puberty education.

Our video consisted mainly of a boy talking to his mother about why his bed was wet in the morning because only babies wet the bed. The rest of the video was the same boy (he had a lot of issues) wondering what is the best way to handle an erection in math class. The video’s advice was something along the lines of, excuse yourself to the bathroom, which, when you think about it, getting up and walking around in front of people is probably not the best way to handle that kind of “surprise”.

Puberty is a confusing time. And had I grown up post-making the band, I would have had a much easier go of it. No one has ever explained with more clarity and tact the phenomena of nocturnal emissions, more clearly than O-Town with their song, “Liquid Dreams”.

Let’s have a look:

Lyrics:

“Liquid Dreams”
Posters of love surrounding me, I’m lost in a world of fantasy
Every night she comes to me and gives me all the love I need

Now this hot girl, she’s not your average girl
She’s a morpharotic dream from a magazine
And she’s so fine designed to blow your mind
She’s a dominatrix supermodel beauty queen

I dream about a girl who’s a mix of Destiny’s Child
Just a little touch Madonna’s wild style
With Janet Jackson’s smile, throw in a body like Jennifer’s
You’ve got the star of my liquid dream

Angelina Jolie’s lips to kiss in the dark
Underneath Cindy C’s beauty mark
When it comes to the test well Tyra’s the best
And Salma Hayek brings the rest

Now this hot girl, she’s not your average girl
She’s a morpharotic dream from a magazine
And she’s so fine designed to blow your mind
She’s a dominatrix supermodel beauty queen

I dream about a girl who’s a mix of Destiny’s Child
Just a little touch Madonna’s wild style
With Janet Jackson’s smile, throw in a body like Jennifers’
You’ve got the star of my liquid dreams

Looks ain’t everything she’s got the sweetest personality
Like Halle B
My mama thinks I’m lazy, my friends all think I’m crazy
But in my mind, I leave the world behind every night I dream
Oh..

Liquid Dreams, my Liquid Dreams
Waterfalls and streams, these liquid dreams

I dream about a girl who’s a mix of Destiny’s Child
Just little touch of Madonna’s wild style
With Janet Jackson’s smile
Throw in a body like Jennifer’s
You’ve got the star of my liquid dreams
My liquid dreams
(repeat 3 times)

Conclusion:
Well that’s just disgusting. It really, really is. Essentially what Jacob, Eric, Ashley Parker Angel, Trevor and Dan (all names are real) are saying here is that instead of living in the real world, every night they go to bed and dream about what is under Cindy Crawford’s mole. And in the morning, waterfalls and streams. The laundry bill alone….

Moving past the obvious disgusting metaphor these boys are playing with here there are a whole host of other hilarious notes they touch on. The word “morpharotic” for instance. Meaning, I guess, to morph into something erotic. One also has to wonder what Madonna, Tyra, Selma Hayak, Halle B, Destiny’s Child and Jennifer think about this odd and moist tribute to their utter hotness and morpharotic ways.

And speaking of Jennifers in the early 00s, which one is it? C’mon now Orlando Town, you need to be more specific.

The possible candidates and odds that it’s their bodies who cause Dan and Ashley Parker Angel’s waterfalls and streams:

Jennifer Lopez:

Odds: Likely.
With all the talk of her luscious booty, managing to remain so “real” and “from the block” despite the rocks that she got, JLo seems to be a likely candidate for Orlando Town’s fantasies.

Jennifer Love Hewitt:

Odds: Probable
She knows what you did last summer and she sings about being “barenaked”. See also: her breasts. Jennifer Love just could be the girl of O-Town’s dreams. But by looking at the demographic of the other ladies in the song, I think that in this case, Jlo trumps Jlove.

Jennifer Garner

Odds: Possible
While Jennifer Garner’s body could do some pretty amazing morpharotic things in your dreams, I can’t buy that Orlando Town has enough to class to recognize all that she’s packing. They seem easily distracted. Especially Trevor. Or Dan.

Jennifer Paige

Odds: Not Great
Sorry Jennifer. The song “Crush” is great. But I don’t think butterfly clips in your hair are really gonna do it for the sophisticated gentlemen of Orlando. It’s hot down there, remember?

And as if this whole kit and caboodle doesn’t end. There’s a music video. And yes, there’s liquid.

Whoa.
I think these guys all have really promising gay porn careers ahead of them.
Looking past the unbelievably shotty choreography and strange white-boy dreadlocks (is that you Trevor? Or are you Eric?) the video consists of synchronized dancing around water-women who all sort of look like Alex Mack (of Secret World Fame). And they sort of look like sperm. A little. Okay a lot.

I also love how they could not book one of the 10 women they mention in their song for the video. Not one of them. Not even Janet Jackson’s smile. What a shame Orlando Town. What a shame.


This Week in Music Video Nightmares — “Spectacular”

The Cheetah Girls stand for modern-day Disney Channel Original Programming Girl Power. The Spice Girls without the sex, Destiny’s Child without, well the sex. Raven Simone and those three other chicks (the white one, the one that’s on Keeping up with Kardashians and the one from The House Bunny) fake-danced and lip-synced their way through two feature films making cat-references and Disney Channel Appropriate jokes. Raven, having left the group to be “that’s so”, essentially doomed the rest of her feline pack to obscurity.

And what does a young girl in Hollywood do to avoid looming obscurity? She tramps it up big time.
Enter Kiely Williams (the one from the House Bunny) and her song “Spectacular”.

A non-exhaustive list of things that Kiely Williams finds to be Spectacular:
— Dreadlocks
— Hooker Clothes
— Unprotected Blackout Sex
— Walking on the streets….or…streetwalking?
— Shots
— Artsy Black and White photos of said unprotected blackout sex
— Based on her decisions in this video: abortions
— Some sort of reality television prostitute-cam that she hooked up to herself
— Speak-singing
— Seducing men in suits on the street in front of their clean-cut not hooker girlfriends.
— Abortions
— Hanging out by chain-link fences
— Street Dancing in front of skanky billboards

Miss Williams decided to respond to the subsequent outrage to her music video that seemed to glorify unprotected sex with strangers, prostitution and getting blackout drunk to young girls.

An open letter to Kiely Williams:

Hey girl.
I think you’re confused.
Your video, ‘Spectacular’, is NOTHING like Mo’Nique’s performance in Precious.
It’s also nothing like Lady Gaga’s Telephone video.
You can try to tell me that this video is some warning message to young girls about the dangers of unprotected sex, but I went to college, so its not gonna fly. Maybe you’re confused about the definition of the word ‘spectacular’. I think that you think it means ‘warning’ or ‘career-booster’ or ‘I’m not a Whore’, but alas….

spec·tac·u·lar (spk-tky-lr)
adj.
Of the nature of a spectacle; impressive or sensational

So you’re to tell me that you sing about unprotected blackout sex being ‘impressive’ and ‘sensational’ and then I’m supposed to believe that it’s a warning song?

In our world we have commonly accepted warning signs. A stop sign for example says to me “don’t go”. Caution tape says, “stay away”. A music video where you get blackout drunk, sexed over and over again and then tell me that you would do it all over again and smile, does not read PSA. Sorry girl.
Yes, and I see your point. You are playing a character. But when you play the character role of “monster slut”, your teenage fans might get a little confused being as your last role was “black cheetah girl who isn’t Raven Simone”.
Love the choreography girl, is that Wade Robson?
You’re my hero,

Matt


This Week in Music Video Nightmares

The music video has had a big week. A big year actually.
Ever since Lady Gaga has burst onto the scene the poor music video has really taken a beating. How the music video longs for the days when there was just interspersed concert footage and backlighting. Now this sacred art form has to deal with Lady Gaga wearing flaming bear coats and setting bathtubs on fire and falling off of balconies.

But the most egregious grievance against Mr. Music Video this week is artists exploiting the form in the name of ‘reinvention’.

Case 1: Christina Aguilera or Xtina. “Not Myself Tonight”

First of all Christina, you are a mother. Not that moms can’t be sexy. That’s why Hollywood invented MILFS, but I mean for real. How much bejeweled bondage does a self-respecting woman need to own? I understand that the point is that you’re not yourself tonight. Hence the song title, I get it. But I’ve been following your career, young lady, and this is just Durrrrty with more leather. I feel like this is yourself. Plus a little Lady Gaga. Why you’re licking the ground and pouring liquid leather on yourself, I’m not quite sure.

Also, love the monocle. It really says, “hey, I’m reinventing myself. I was a durrty slut. Now I’m a leather/alien/bondage queen. Really brave choices here Xtina. Really brave choices.

Case 2: Miley Cyrus. “Can’t be Tamed”.
Can’t Be Tamed Video

Miley Cyrus is 17-years old. She is also apparently a large black bird. I understand that she feels the need to leave Hannah Montana behind, I get it, all the tween sensations do. But really. I have never seen a more clunky and obvious metaphor in my life. You “Can’t Be Tamed”, so let’s do birds in cages. Get it. Because the birds want to fly, but they can’t, because of all the cages. And despite her corn-teeth and freaky wax face, this video does manage to be unbelievably sexy, without being sexy at all. My brain understands that the costumes and makeup and dancing are telling me “this is sexy. you like this. because it’s so sexy”. But the bird suits, the terrible melody and 65-70 backup bird dancers (or bancers) tell me otherwise.

This video just screams sadness. Miley needs to realize that Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan aren’t even done spiraling to their doom. She needs to wait a few years instead of trying to play catch-up. Also, I don’t quite understand how wearing a lot of eye makeup and convulsing from a large bird’s nest means that you are stepping out of your shell, but I guess the mind of a tween is a complex and fascinating concept. Like birds. In cages.